And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
