my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
