Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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