She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
