i love accidental penises.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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