So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You made out with two different species that night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
