We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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