I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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