If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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