Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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