he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
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You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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