Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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