i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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