the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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