My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
His hands were made for my vagina.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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