am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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