I wish they made helmets for livers.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
