I just gift wrapped bread.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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