apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Let's get the cat blown out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
