He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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