some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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