I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Two words: nipple clamps
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