i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
