she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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