Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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