i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The adults are the big ones right?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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