If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
