Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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