my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
