failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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