Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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