I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
