i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
