I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
