Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
