just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
