M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
