I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
