sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
