Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
