I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
