I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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