Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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