I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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