well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
