tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
