3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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