my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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