I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
