Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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