We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
