I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
