Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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