dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
