Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We're too hungover to prance.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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