Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
