Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
