Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E